Texts from Archenemies
by Sherlock Emrys
Summary: Co- Authored with PenguinPlayingTheViolin. Text conversations between Sherlock, Moriarty, Watson and Mycroft. No slash, all PG unless the idea of exploding people scares you and in that case what the hell are you doing watching Sherlock?
1. Chapter 1

Sherlock- Moriarty Text Conversation Transcript

How can you say that? Murder, and the avoidance thereof, make everything more fun. -SH

I can say it with quite some ease. But murder does make everything more fun. I hope you do get killed, saves me the effort.-JM

Why thank you, Moriarty. Perhaps you could return the favour. –SH

I'd rather not. Pressing appointments, you know how it is. –JM

Of course. People to kill, places to bomb…-SH

Knew you'd understand.-JM

Well, I am a genius. I understand more or less everything. –SH

Except astronomy, and how to better me. –JM

Oh, I think I understand being better than you rather well. It does come naturally, after all. And it isn't that I don't understand astronomy; I simply do not care. –SH

Sure thing ;) –JM

You, on the other hand, have a highly nebulous and rather non-existent knowledge of morals, ethics and the law.-SH

Well quite frankly, those matters are astronomically BORING. –JM

And wanton destruction isn't. I admit that I see your point, twisted as it is, but rest assured I will hunt you down nonetheless. –SH

Naturally. *yawns* I'm terrified. –JM

You should be, but you aren't because you are detached from reality to the point of no longer caring for anything and losing all apprehensions of your own mortality. Sure sign of a flawed mind. –SH

Just like yours it would seem. –JM

Ah, but my mind is flawless. It is simply removed from the muck of human emotions. Yours, however, is not merely of inferior intelligence but twisted. –SH

Save your speeches for someone who cares, I'm getting a headache. –JM

Wonderful. If I had known how to incapacitate you sooner, think of all the trouble I could have saved myself. –SH

Indeed, if you were trying to bore me to death you would have very near succeeded. Must go now, business calls. –JM

You little- Where did you hide it this time? I was so close! –SH

Well, you should learn to tell the difference between a dummy detonator and the real thing. And how to defuse bombs faster. –JM

And, for your information, the detonator was in the closet. Third from the right. –JM

That's cheating. –SH

Who said there were rules? –JM

I believe you were the one calling it a 'game'. –SH

If anyone broke the rules, it's you. –JM

What even are the rules, then? –SH

You die. I laugh. –JM

Those are not rules. Those are objectives.

Impossible ones, by the way. –SH

Hey! I thought we agreed that 221b was neutral! It's unfair on Mrs Hudson. And John. –SH

Agreed? When? And I didn't touch 221b. –JM

You agreed. I have the transcripts of the texts. And 221c was included in that. Destroying the ground floor of the house was unwarranted. –SH

Sorry- but it's not agreed anymore. I did warn you I was changeable. And what constitutes unwarranted here? –JM

I wouldn't call it a warning. You did try and kill John and me. –SH

**Technically Co-Authored with a friend who does not have a account. You know who you are, Watson.**

**It's a long story, involving texts at midnight, chemistry experiments and obsession. 00:12, according to my phone records. She was Moriarty, I was Sherlock. Up to 'business calls' is all what we actually texted. The rest I made up, cuz it was fun :D That's why the beginning was cut off- we were discussing how I was going to do my chemistry experiments without getting murdered by my mother who thinks kitchens are for food, not poisonous chemicals. It didn't fit the flow, so sorry.**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Well... I wasn't going to add to it, but my friend and I were texting again, late at night again, and this is a slightly modified version of what we actually texted. I've edited it again to make it flow a little better.**

Get back safely? –JM

As if you care. We're stuck in traffic, actually. Did you blow something up again? –SH

Maybe ;P –JM

We're out of the jam now. Try not to start any wars before I get home; you know what it does to the traffic. –SH

That's Mycroft's job. –JM

I'm sure you'll get there in the end. You've already caused a dozen diplomatic incidents. –SH

Thank you. Hmm, I could murder for a pizza. –JM

I hope you don't mean that literally. But knowing you… -SH

That would be low. Killing for a pizza? Please. I have style. –JM

Sherlock, it's 3AM. Go to bed. You wouldn't want to upset Mummy, would you? –MH

Aww, Sherlock, is your Mummy getting upset? Go on, mummy's boy, off you pop. –JM

Moriarty, I hate you. Mycroft, I hate you more. Both of you get out of my text messages. –SH

How did you even get that text, Moriarty? –SH

I have my ways. –JM

No. -MH


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Yes, well. This is actually a conversation we had face-to-face, but it fitted, so I cobbled it together. I'm adding PenguinsPlayingTheViolin as a Co-Author on this because she has an account now :D**

I heard about the new advances. You must be exploding with excitement. -SH

In rather bad taste, wasn't that? Given that I presume you're talking about the nanobots mentioned in BMJ. -JM

I thought you might appreciate it. You have a whole new may to make people explode. -SH

Yes, isn't it wonderful? You just inject the little things into their blood, and they can release whatever chemicals I want whenever I want :) -JM

Lovely. Slow poisoning. You could be in another country when they die. -SH

Well, yes, but poisoning is rather _dull_. I was thinking potassium. -JM

Exploding from the inside out? Well, I suppose it's a step up from Semtex jackets. -SH

Not still annoyed about that, are you? -JM

You did try and kill us. -SH

Oh yes, I forgot about your little pet. I'm sure he's fine. I didn't detonate them. -JM

Which makes it so much better. -SH

Ah, well. No pleasing you. I'll be sure to use the nanobots next time, then you don't need to worry. -JM

Stay away from John. He has nothing to do with this. -SH

Oooh, touche. Sore point there, hmm? -JM

We agreed in the 'rules' you so kindly set out. This is between us. -SH

Didn't we also agree that those rules are voided by the fact that I don't like them? -JM

You really are a psychopath. -SH

Spoken by the sociopath. -JM

Texted. -SH

Pedant. -JM

Psycho. -SH

Doctor Watson, return that cellphone to your _owner_. I know it wasn't him. Name calling is beneath him, apparently. -JM

How in the hell- -JW

Mycroft's not the only one with control over those cameras. -JM

Oh, mature. -JM

Nothing to do with me, Moriarty. -SH

Ah, regained your cellphone I see. And I know you got your brother to shut off those camera feeds. -JM

It is my duty to inform you, Moriarty, that you are guilty of contravening several acts of parliament in your behaviour, and that as the British Goverment I must caution you against futher transgressions. -Mycroft

Also, the only person who can spy on Sherlock is me. -Mycroft

Your brother is creepy -JM

Tell me about it. -SH

Yes. He is. -JW

I am monitoring this conversation, Sherlock, and I fell it's only fair to warn you that Mummy wouldn't like it. You know what she said about talking to psychopaths. -Mycroft

Rofl- JM

I must agree with the psycho. -JW

Shut up. -SH

**AN: OK, I made most of that up. But still. It was inspired by our conversation.**

**Incidentally, those nanobugs are real. The idea is that you can load them up with, say insulin, inject them into a diabetic and whenever the blood sugar level gets too high or low they release insulin. Or whatever. And the first thing we thought of was 'Exploding people'! Since you can program them whoth whatever chemical, however. Which says a lot about our minds :D**


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: OK, another update pretty quick. This is because PenguinsPlayingTheViolin and I were up from 11.30 to 1 AM texting this. It was fun :D So I added a large chunk on the end, cause it was amusing :) Although my word processor doesn't like smileys, it turns them into little symbols and then ignores them.**

Having fun drawing, my dear brother? –MH

Mycroft. Wonderful. How's the diet going? –SH

Really, do you ever tire of that line? Your being very tiresome. -MH

You're. Missed the apostrophe and the e. Learn to spell, Mycroft. –SH

Learn to be nice, Sherlock. I fail to see how John puts up with you. –MH

I fail to see how Anthea puts up with you. –SH

Ahh, brotherly affection. It warms my heart… except that I don't have one! –JM

I seem to recall that it was I who had no heart. And I still want to know how you're reading my messages. –SH

Of course you do, since I haven't got around to burning it out of you yet. How's your pet doing btw? –JM

Sill unable to grasp the finer points of human anatomy yet, it would seem. John is fine, no thanks to you. That explosion last week gave him concussion. -SH

I am NOT his pet. –JW

Oh, hello John. We were just discussing you. How are you? Sorry to hear the explosion only managed a concussion, must have been a dud batch of TNT. I shall have to kill the supplier. –JM

All the better for not seeing you. Mind telling us where you got the TNT? –JW

Oh, you've hurt me. Yes. I do mind. Hope the next one kills you :) –JM

Because you've never hurt anyone. –JW

No, not a soul. I never get my hands dirty. -JM

Leave him alone, Moriarty. Go play with explosives or something. Knock yourself out. –SH

Defending your pet? How sweet! Yes, playing with explosives does sound tempting. Care to join me for another game? –JM

Shut up. And I think I won't, if you don't mind. Last time we played your game, five buildings got destroyed. –SH

And apparently, I should be asleep right now. –SH

Sherlock, it's 01.20 in the morning. Normal people sleep, especially when they have work tomorrow. -JW

They weren't particularly nice buildings. Personally, I think we did the world a favour. Better hurry off to bed, little detective, and pleasant dreams. Wouldn't want to upset your pet. -JM

The next time I see you, expect to be blown up with your own bomb. –JW

Sherlock, Mummy will not be impressed if she finds you've been being nocturnal again. Especially since you're talking to the criminal again. –MH

Besides, John has work tomorrow. You're being most inconsiderate. –MH

Mycroft, I'm used to not getting any sleep. This is Sherlock we're talking about. He doesn't know the meaning of the word. –JW

I'm sure the owners of the buildings disagreed. And your idea of pleasant dreams is probably a nightmare for anyone else. –SH

Mycroft, _mummy_ won't be pleased if she finds out about what happened in the last General Election. So shut it. –SH

Ah, John, you are becoming a man- or possibly dog- after my own heart. Although it won't work. –JM

And Sherlock, property owners are dull. Just like your own dreams, by the sound of it. -JM

Yes, it's a pity about him not sleeping, isn't it? I could send over some chloroform if that would help, John. –MH

You wouldn't dare, Sherlock. Besides, she's still upset about you missing the last get-together. –MH

…Mycroft, I am very concerned by that offer. –SH

As am I. And as his Doctor (probably) I feel I should inform you that he's developed a resistance to all types of sedative, due to being knocked out with them so often. –JW

Moriarty, not everything unconnected with explosives is dull. –SH

I never thought I'd see Sherlock Holmes type that. I hate to say it, but well done. –JW

Mycroft, don't think I wouldn't. She must have got over that by now anyway, it wasn't like she seriously expected me to come. –SH

You two are the creepiest siblings ever. –JW

I agree with the pet goldfish. By the way, what did you do to the elections, and was it something to do with foiling my assassination attempt? –JM

No, that was me. And he's not a goldfish. Labrador if anything. –SH

I hate you both. –JW

In that case, you can stay here and I'll go and have fun solving cases. –SH

Only if you buy tea. –JW

And milk. –JW

No, shopping falls into your remit. Because it's dull. –SH

You two are such an old married couple… -JM

Moriarty, you will die the next time we see you. –SH

Seconded. –JW

Sherlock. Do not talk to the criminal. Go to sleep. And then maybe I won't tell Mummy. –MH

He should have a sign. 'Don't talk to the psycho'. You could put him in a cage. –JW

This is about that goldfish comment, isn't it? –JM

:) –JW

John, you of all people ought to know better. You are working tomorrow.-MH

Well… yes, but I probably won't get to do any work. Sherlock is likely to swing by and drag me off to investigate a murder. –JW

John, we need to go NOW. Lestrade just called. Murder on Filigree Street. Get dressed and move. –SH

Was it you, by the way? Just out of interest. Either of you. –SH

I am utterly shocked that you would consider it to be a possibility that I would have committed murder. I am the British Government, after all. –MH

Maaaaaaaaaaaybe. You'll just have to find out :) –JM

Mycroft, that's why I asked. –SH

John, bring your gun. It's Moriarty. –SH

Oh, damn. I'll get the bulletproof vest and the defuser kit. –JW

You know I can read these? –JM

Yes. That's why we're talking in real life and texting false information. –JW

Doesn't work if you tell me, goldfish. –JM

And I can hear you. –JM

He can hear- wait, what? –JW

And… OUT of my network. –MH

Heeeeeeeey!-JM

I've already told you about piggybacking on my cameras. –MH

Mycroft, I thought we weren't supposed to talk to psychopaths? –SH

Shut it. I'm busy saving your life here. –MH

Oh, well done with that. –SH

Not my fault the windows blew out again. –MH

Nope. All me! :) –JM

Sherlock! Where the hell are you? –JW

Under some debris. Where are you? –SH

In the hall. I got Mrs Hudson out this time. –JW

GET DOWN! –MH

Oh, thanks Mycroft. Thank you. Really. Helpful. –JW

Oh, there's gratitude. –MH

Damn, you're getting better at dodging. –JM

One warning, Moriarty. Give it up. –SH

Ooh, scared. Look, you won't find me. You give it up. –JM

Oh, well _done_. –JM

Defused. I win. And you owe me a new flat. –SH

Catch me if you caaan! -JM


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: I'm sorry this took so long. I got halfway through typing it and then I had to do exams so I've only finished it today. I know it's not very good, either; I was very tired. **

PART THE FIFTH

I can see you. –MH

Sherlock wants me to tell you that he is ignoring you. –JW

Tsk. I'm only following your car to ensure Moriarty doesn't explode you. –MH

Too late. –JM

Oh, good. –SH

No snarky comments, Sherlock? I'm surprised. –JM

I warned you. –MH

Quite frankly, I can't be bothered. Nest time you threaten me can you please make it more original? –SH

Dear me, Sherlock. I thought I told you about talking to the criminal. –MH

Ignoring you –SH

You just texted me, Sherlock, you aren't ignoring me. Now, I suggest you leave before the criminal makes his move. –MH

Too late :) –JM

Not including this I will not make the same mistake a second time, Mycroft. –SH

Will you ever tire of blowing up my flat? Please, it is getting dull. Also, I feel I must warn you that you have an angry army doctor on your hands due to the fact that you made him spill his tea. John can be quite terrifying when deprived of tea. –SH

Warnings, Sherlock? That's not like you. Your little pet must be having an influence on you. I'm very sorry about his tea… Well, no, I'm not. And you should get another flat. This one is too easy to wire and explode. It's dull. –JM

You never learn, do you Sherlock? –MH

Then why keep destroying it? This leads me to the conclusion that you are the one who is becoming dull. Next time you do feel a destructive urge do the world a favour and blow upAnderson's place. Maybe that will get him out of my way. –SH

Sherlock! That is incitement to commit a crime. I should be angry with you but it's Anderson so I'll let you off this once. –MH

Good idea. He's almost as annoying as you. –JM

Glad we agree on something. –SH

Sherlock, I'm not going to keep ignoring this. Cease to consort with criminals and I may not tell Mummy. –MH

Why hello there Moriarty, what've you been up to lately? Just as a side note: Did you have anything to do with that incident inHyde Parklast week? –JW

I may have done. You two are detectives, or a Detective And His Dog, you figure it out. –JM

Am. Not. His. Dog. Or anyone else's for that matter. –JW

Touché. And you're so his pet. –JM

No. –JW

Whatcha gonna do? Bite me? –JM

Shut it. –JW

Honestly, John, you make it sound like a bad thing. Skull substitute, pet, it's all the same really. Quite the honour. –SH

I will not take orders from you, Doctor Watson. Sherlock, control your pet. –JM

No. It's far too entertaining to watch. –SH

Oh, you find that funny? Obviously you're in need of some more entertainment. Off you go on my next game. Watch out for mines. –JM

It is funny. Exceedingly so. And I'm glad to hear it; I was beginning to fear that the criminal world had gone on holiday. –SH

Well, Christmas is approaching. Many of us are taking time off. I'm simply devoted to ruining your life. –JM

I'm honoured. –SH

As you should be. –JM

Doesn't mean I won't try and catch you. –SH

Good. That would take all the fun out of it. –JM

I agree. –SH

… Freaks. -JW


End file.
